The "new normal"

It has been 49 days since we lost Grant, 49 days to try and put one foot in front of the other and carry on. How can we possibly do this? Some days it seems easier than others, some days down right suck. I am bitter, sad, happy, resentful, angry, depressed- you name it I feel it, all in a day- 24 hours see a lot of emotions.

We know that Grant is in a better place, free of pain and ports and lines and medication, but he is not with us, in body that is. I long for his smile, his laugh, his hugs and his "I love you's". His opinions are missed, his "no volume control" is missed, everything about this seems so unfair. He had so much to offer the world, so many things he never got to do and experience. In many ways he experienced so much more than most, but that doesn't make it any easier.

I have been struggling with moving forward,  feel guilty that life goes on without him. I know that he would want me to move on, but I can't help it. I feel that if I don't talk out loud to him he won't hear me, and won't know that I am thinking of him, I feel bad when I get excited about things and wonder if he is looking down and saying "how can they be happy without me??' I sit at night in his room and talk and then say goodnight, and I wonder if I don't do that every night will he be upset- will it be the same if I say goodnight to him in my bed?? After 15+ years of saying prayers with him every night- without fail- it is hard to think abut not doing it anymore, but I guess I will find my way.

I had a big anger stage, everything made me mad. Peoples comments, actions, even the "unsaid" things pissed me off. I have always hated it when people take their kids for granted, now it is amplified 10 fold- love them, hug them and if they want to be around you- PLEASE ENJOY EVERY MINUTE! I have been told by Jim that I need to not let other peoples actions bother me, unfortunatly I cannot do that very well, however I am trying....

I sit in Grants room daily, taking comfort in his surroundings, so many of the things that drove me crazy about him, like his need to keep every little thing, now make me smile and cry. The stories of how he HAD to keep the silly buffalo or that special rock come back to me. I miss having him with me all day- I am lonely, hard to believe that with my wonderful husband and amazing daughter, I could be lonely, but the days are hard. He and I were always together, sharing laughs, tears, concerns and although I still voice all three of those, there is no response, just an empty echo ... I miss him. I feel him with me, but it is not the same, the stubble of his unshaved face doesn't brush my cheek and I don't get to hear "look how tall I am" daily as he stands beside me in front of a mirror.

I had not journaled at all since Grant passed away, so much of my life since February revolved around him, from meals, to hospital. medications, terminology, treatment plans, companionship and it was easy to write about, to keep everyone informed. No one needs to know about me and how I am coping, but I felt the need to write down my feelings- thank you Lynn for the nudge- my sleep might become a bit better now that I have my feeling down on this virtual paper. There will be more to come, rest assured.

Day by Day.....