Time flies.....

6 months have now passed since we lost Grant- the hardest 6 months of our lives. We have been keeping very busy with volleyball and basketball for Ali, work, and a special trip to Maui for all of us. It was a tough trip- the first one without Grant, his absolute joy and enthusiasm were definitely missed. We found ourselves saying "Grant would have loved this" so many times and tears were shed often, it is still so unreal. Jim managed okay without his "partner", I know it was especially tough on him having to deal with the girls and the shopping and the "moods"... although I am sure Grant felt his pain, it is such an adjustment. The four that always worked so well has been altered and it is hard to get my mind around it, I wonder how others have done it and hope that some day I can come to terms with it. The three of us have persevered, we continue our close bond and I am so blessed to have such a wonderful family.

I am still amazed at the number of people that Grant impacted in his short life, I find myself crying at the mention of his name or a memory that someone speaks of. Songs, books, TV shows, a boy walking down the street, they all bring Grant to my mind, he is never far from my thoughts and so easily brought to the forefront. We were in Lethbridge last weekend for a volleyball tournament and I saw my good friends Christy and Kevin  Lund. They are an Onco family, their daughter Brynn was on the unit when Grant was. Grant had met Brynn and their other daughter Sadie at camp last summer. Of course we cried when we got there, and once we were on our way I marvelled at the beauty of an everlasting friendship that blossomed out of such an evil disease, some of the best people I wish we never met......... We are off to Medicine Hat this weekend for another tournament and get to visit with another Onco family and good friends Maggie and Sid Harrison (although I have never met Sid, I know he cannot be anything but wonderful) Maggie and her son Evan, who has ALL, were the first people we were introduced to in the HOT Clinic- their generous spirit and warmth made the first scary trip completely bearable, we had much laughter and tears through Grants Journey and again I marvel at the friendships made, and thank God for each and every one of them.

Life has continued on, even when I have wanted to curl up in a ball, and I have had people say that they can't imagine how I can do it- I am not entirely sure but I do know that a beautiful girl named Ali has a very large part to do with it. She continues to amaze me, her strength astounds me. She has continued to be an A+ student, phenomenal athlete and a rock for me, always there for a hug. I have to admit, I would like to put her in a bubble to protect her from everything, I know it is unrealistic but I don't think I am alone. I feel even more protective towards her than before, it is a helpless feeling at times and I am trying to 'Let go and Let God" but it is tough, wish I never had to be in this spot,,,

Day by Day.....

Surviving D-Day

Well another horrible week has passed. The reminders of a year ago this last week came crashing back to all of us. It was last year- this week when Grant played his last basketball game, he had a double header at Mountain Park and in between games he decided he needed to take a bath and then just go back for the second game and not play- the start of our nightmare. Ali had the double header last week at the school and after the first game, was hit hard by the memory of Grant being with us and struggling through what we thought was a cold. She could not play the second game, the emotions were too strong and we spent the next couple of days supporting each other and remembering our wonderful, strong and amazing Grant.

So many thoughts raced through my head last week, could things have been different if we had gone to the clinic earlier? I know that nothing can be changed but I want it to be different so badly. The loss of Grant is still so raw and there are so many firsts we are still experiencing. The memory of that horrible phone call on the evening of Friday Feb 11, 2011 will be forever etched in my brain- the Doctor on the other end of the line telling me the abnormalities in his blood work indicating the possibility of Leukemia- I still shudder. I can remember the struggle to remain calm as we packed the small bag for Grant and I in case we had to stay, his voice, so strong and stable as he heard the news from the Fellow, his desire to start with treatment as soon as possible to get on the road to curing his cancer- I miss him, his smile through everything he was handed, his laugh as the nurses joked with him, his footsteps coming down the stairs to hang out on the couch. I find myself struggling to remember his voice and it scares me.

A few opportunities arose last week for Grant to continue giving- as he loved to do.
First there was a collection of used jeans for teenagers in programs throughout the city. As hard as it was, I washed his jeans in preparation for donation. I had a moment when I opened the door to the washer and saw the shredded Kleenex- that was my boy, always giving me a challenge- I would give anything for that weekly challenge now- anything.

The second one came at Alis Basketball tournament, they were collecting gently used basketball shoes for the Right to Play program- such a fitting donation for my boys Basketball shoes, the one pair only worn for his last season, he was so proud of them. I had to give them to Shelagh McCracken as Ali was struggling with playing, her emotions still getting to her. Shelagh had lace tags made for them- she is still his champion. The Tournament was held at Midsun School and after hearing Grants story from Shelagh, all donations made are being done so in Grant's name- the village continues to amaze.... and my tears continue to flow..... Ali ended up playing the last two games with her team, she played incredibly and got "Most Sportsmanlike Player" in the last game- so proud of her.

Volleyball, family and remembering  was the rest of our weekend as February 12 came and went. In the grand scheme of things Diagnosis Anniversary was minor, so many dates and numbers are in our lives. I met with a support group as well last week and that was one of the things that we all spoke of- Numbers and Dates- I wonder if those things will ever fade into the background, I doubt it. It was nice to be with people who have, and are going through what I am- I cried as did many others- maybe I am normal (I can hear all the jokes going through your minds.......) This group is informal and exactly what I wanted, we will meet monthly perhaps- depending on turnout- it could be every 2 months, I know I will look forward to the meeting times however often they occur.

So with Valentines Day being yesterday, I remembered last year, Grant and I in the hospital and his craft he made for me, he was so thrilled, crafting is not his Forte- but it is a gift we will all cherish with all out hearts- as Ali said last night, she really likes this picture of him- he looks healthy. Amazing, considering he was 2 days post diagnosis. I will leave you with his beautiful smiling face and the tears running down mine- We love you Grant, and miss you every single day....

Day by Day.....

A Mothers Concerns.....

There are always questions and concerns that consume me- I am not sure if I am alone with this, if a mother who loses her child is plagued by these thoughts, but I do know that I am. Hopefully when I start with a support group, I will find out if I am an anomaly or if I am "normal". I have had a tough week, sadness has come for a visit and has not left. I find myself being concerned about Grant, wondering once again if he is really in a better place, if he is in Heaven. I am not sure where this comes from, I have always believed, I think that it is just the need for me to hear it from him, for the confirmation that I so desire.

I have had some indicators or signs, not that I realised it at the time, but talking about my concerns with my friends brought them into the open. Yesterday, Jim was in the living room and the TV was on- 100 Huntley Street- he wasn't watching it, it was white noise in the background, but as I was getting ready to leave for work, I heard them talking about the book "Heaven is for Real". It was a book that I had read shortly after Grant passed away, and it gave me comfort then- perhaps it was time to read it again- that was the first sign. The second came this morning, I was up fairly early and sitting in the living room, blinds closed when I thought I should open them. The absolute beauty of the sunrise took my breath away and I knew in that moment that Grant was giving me a sign, my beautiful, amazing wonderful boy was letting me know that he was indeed in a better place- still not the words coming from him but I will take it and believe. Goodness knows how long this will last, I know that the questions and concerns will come back, but for now I have some peace.

Concerns have come as time passes as well, wondering if he is still remembered by his friends, if they still think of him. I remember during his treatment how he wished his friends would come and visit him, and how life carried on for them while his was on hold. I don't want him to be forgotten, I know life continues no matter what- I just hope that his memory is still alive- I do know that we laugh and cry, talk about him each and every day and have conversations with him constantly in this house. I still talk to him each night before bed, sometimes from my own bed sometimes in his- finding my way........I am sure I get the strange looks from drivers beside me on the road as I talk to him- I am still worried that if I don't speak out loud he won't hear me- or that my neighbours think that I am crazy as I walk Hido talking to Grant as we go, crying and laughing.

Life in our household has continued as well, Jim starts his new job tomorrow- we are so excited for him, and I am in my second week with mine. I am sure Grant has been watching over me and I know he will be walking along with Jim as he enters this next phase. Ali has been playing some amazing basketball with Grant right by her side, I am sure he is so proud of how well she is playing and cheering her on from high, the two number 8's - if only he was here- so unreal still.....I never thought we would be in this situation, and wonder if I will ever believe it.

Day by Day......

Fernie Time..

Last week was a busy one- we prepared for our trip to Fernie, another first. I was apprehensive and excited at the same time. We have not skied Fernie since we sold our place in 2010, we all missed it last year, especially Jim and Grant who covered all of the hill. This year it would be the 3 of us, going back with so many memories of our time spent as a family in the valley, all 4 of us , just happy to be together doing what we loved to do. Jim had actually been down once this year for a day trip, he had already experienced the empty spot on the chair beside him, still so hard to comprehend......The tears started when we left Calgary and hit the well travelled highway south, this did not bode well for the weekend, but the happy memories and the joy we shared together had us laughing and cherishing as well. We had our friends Dale, Colleen, Scott and Graeme Russell come with us. Scott and Grant were good friends and we had shared time at Fernie a few years back, it was wonderful to share this first with them. We were fortunate to stay in our fiends the Ball's condo on the hill, many memories there as well. All in all, it was wonderful. We still comment on how unreal it is that Grant is not with us, I really do not expect that feeling to ever go away, we miss him all the time, in everything we do. We missed seeing him climb the hardest path to get to our locker, sliding down the snowbank, seeing him take off down the "bumps" while some of us (me) took the easier, much more travelled path, to see him waiting patiently at the bottom of the run with his beautiful smile. We missed his laughter joined with Ali's as they watched a movie during the car ride, the glow from his iPad as he played games, as well as his quiet singing while listening to his iPod...... they are all in my mind but I want them to be real so badly. I can still hear his voice and his laughter but I am worried I will lose that as well.....

This week comes with a new set of challenges. I start my new job working as Assistant to my sister Gaye and nephew Geoff, who are both Royal Bank Mortgage Specialists and Jim finishes his last few days at Shaw. He will be starting work at J&L Supply on February 1st!!! So happy for him but the stress level in our house is on the rise- just what we need. It is all so good but scary at the same time, I am too old for this much change......

We have gotten back in the swing of Basketball with Ali- she is an amazing player and it is so much fun to watch her play and have the camaraderie with the parents. Tears fall at games as well- thinking of Grants love for the game- but we know he is with Ali as she plays and with us as we cheer her on, he loved being there to watch her, her biggest fan.

Day by Day.....

The New Year

Well it is here- whether we wanted it to come or not- it's here, 2012. I have really struggled these past few weeks, I thought I was going to be so happy to put 2011 behind us, but when push came to shove, the thought of a new year without Grant was deeply saddening. I hated New Years, I don't think it helped that we were sick (especially me) but I truly despised it. A new year that did not have my son partaking in it..... I still cannot believe he is no longer with us, it is still surreal and yes, I still think he is away at camp and will be returning. Maybe that is the reality, I will see him again, I know that, it just won't be here in the home and on earth where we shared so many things, good and bad.

This year has already presented so many changes, I will no longer be working at Benchmark, on to new and exciting things as Assistant to my beautiful sister and wonderful nephew, Gaye and Geoff Kiefer- Mortgage Specialists with the Royal Bank! Yes my nephew will be my boss....(thank goodness for Nepotism) With the change of course comes my apprehension, being so comfortable with what I had been doing and now I am outside of that zone- I need to take a page from Grants book and soldier on, taking on whatever challenges may come my way, I wish I was more like him- strong and sure of himself, and I wish he was here to give me that pep talk that he was so good at. Jim and Ali have been fantastic as my cheering section, don't get me wrong, I think it is just the fact that Grant and I were together 24 hours a day for 7 months- he and I talked alot, and I miss that.

Ali is back into the swing of school, basketball and volleyball, and I couldn't be happier for her. She is busy almost every day and after the Christmas break she needs to be busy, spare time is tough for all of us- memories and thoughts of happier times lead to sadness, something that we have every day, but it is magnified when we are not busy. I made Jim take the tour to Nanton and Cochrane last weekend just to keep the sadness from setting in. Tears fell anyways as we travelled the highway to Nanton and I thought of all our trips to Sparwood, it is so not fair.... I miss him so much.

In reality I have been getting better at the tear control, although reading this you may not believe it. It has been almost 4 months since we lost Grant, everyday he is on our minds, and in our hearts, and I guess that time moving forward forces us to keep up, even when we don't want to, and that is a good thing- I think....

We were out with friends last weekend and sang along with so many of Grants favourite songs- yes loud and off key- and it was wonderful. He will live on as long as we remember and we do remember Every Day! The beautiful sunrise/ sunsets, the Beatles, Ali wearing his number 8, and yes, even a tinfoil Swan- he is always with us and on our minds

Day by Day.....

Goodbye 2011

Here it is the second last day of December, 2011. I can't say I will be sad to see it go. This year has been full of heartache, and as I sit here crying and blowing my nose, I am re-living it. I still can't believe that it is a reality, that my boy is no longer with us. Christmas was hard, but we made it through. I could see him so vividly throughout the days, his excited dances, running out to help my parents with their luggage, singing to the Christmas Carols, waiting oh so patiently for the opening of presents to begin. I so desperately want it to be different, to wake up and have this all be a bad dream, but every morning when I get up I realize that this is a bad dream, one that does not end.

It was good to have family with us for Christmas, and the support of friends was ever present. We had a quiet time, we did not watch "White Christmas" although we mentioned it quite often, Grant and my Dad  complained the whole way through it last year, it just wouldn't be the same without Grant, next year perhaps, when the vacant spot is not so fresh.

We attended a World Junior game courtesy of Kids Cancer Care. We were in a suite and ironically Sweden was playing. Grant loved hockey and was so proud of his Swedish heritage- I am sure he was there with us. We met some wonderful people who had also lost their child this year, we shared stories and tears. It was nice to be with people who were going through the same thing, hopefully we can keep in touch and draw strength from one another.

So as 2011 draws to a close, and our struggles continue- with new challenges being added daily, I wonder if 2012 will bring us the much desired lift we all need. I know it comes from within, I just pray that as we round the corner, the strength will come and a ray of light will shine brightly ahead.One thing that I know will help is our beautiful Ali starts her Club volleyball. It will be such a wonderful boost for her, and for Jim and I as well. We are looking forward to the fellowship you get from the team, it will be fun. As well the season starts for Basketball at school, and with her cousin Geoff and Ms McCracken as coaches it can't be anything but fun! If  anything it will be the distraction we all need to help with those baby steps.....

Day by Day.....

Baby Steps

We did it- we took our first real baby step and made it through Grant's Birthday. It was a tough day, filled with tears and remembrance, sadness and laughter. Again, the lead up was worse than the actual day. I want to thanks everyone for the concerns and caring and prayers for us on his day.Ali stayed home with me and we spent the day comforting each other, and sharing memories. Mom, Dad, Gaye, Richard, Ricky and Geoff joined Jim, Ali and I for Roast Beef and Yorkshire pudding- Grant's usual birthday supper. Gaye brought us all Booster Juices- remembering the smile on his face brought tears to all of us, he was so happy to have something besides water, the smallest things.......We celebrated his life and although he is no longer here on earth, I know his was watching over us and celebrating with us, he loved it when we were all together. I received a beautiful sign from him in the wee hours of the morning- I couldn't sleep and was thinking of him and I felt his hand intertwine with mine, it was the realest moment I have had with him and I thanked him. He allowed me to get some more rest and comforted me when I needed it- that was and is Grant, always there for me.

Jim and I attended a Service of Remembrance at Grace Lutheran Church in Drumheller on Wednesday, a beautiful time of reflection and remembering. It was comforting to be in the sanctuary, I remembered all the times since he was a baby that we had spent in there. His voice singing the songs and speaking the words put up on the screen, I miss him........

Our village has surrounded us at this time with so much love, we are blessed to have such an abundance of support. He has been remembered by so many people and celebrated in many different ways- thank you to all who have shared with us, Grant has brought out the humanity in all of us, I just hope it continues.

And now Christmas, the time to celebrate the birth of our Saviour. I find myself drawing many parallel lines with Grant and Jesus. Grant was our gift on earth for such a short time, and who knows what lessons he taught to each of us, but I do know we all have learned from him in one way or another. And now he gets to spend Christmas face to face with that saviour, it is a comfort to me in this trying time. I will close with a poem that we got at the Coping Seminar- it says it all and makes me cry- I love you Grant and wish you were with us, it won't be the same without you.....

I’m Spending Christmas with Jesus this Year!

I see the countless Christmas Trees, around the world below,

With Tiny lights, like heavens stars, reflecting in the snow.

The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear,

For I’m spending Christmas with Jesus this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs, that people hold so dear,

But the sounds of music can’t compare

with the Christmas choir up here.

For I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring.

For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain in your heart…

But please try to understand

I’m spending Christmas with Jesus this year.

I can’t tell you of the splendor, or the peace here in this place.

Can you imagine Christmas, with our Saviour face to face?

I’ll ask Him to light your spirit as I tell Him of your love.

So then pray for one another as you lift your eyes above.

So please let your hearts be joyful, and let your spirit sing.

For I’m spending Christmas in Heaven

And I’m walking with the King.

Merry Christmas to each of you, hold your family close and enjoy your time together, cherish everything...Love to all

Day by Day.....