Granny Smith Green

Today is not a good day, I am not sure why it happens, but some days it hits me harder than others that Grant is gone, he will not be coming home after school and yelling as he opens the door, or leaving his water bottle in his backpack, just as he did every day.

This past weekend was good, we were kept busy trying to finish the kitchen reno which has taken us a year and a half, not that it was so extensive, just kept getting interrupted. We painted the kitchen green, Granny Smith Green, just like the apples that Grant loved and craved, perhaps it was the completion of that task, the feeling of him surrounding us as we are in the kitchen, or the glance at the picture of Grant and Ali holding hands at ages 3 and 2, walking down the waterfront in Nakusp that has made me miss him so much and made my tears flow. Not that I need a reason, just makes me wonder "why today"?

I have been having regrets lateley, thinking back, as I always do, about the last 7 months of Grants life. Our Mantra, Day by Day, came to be because Grant was always worried about "what if's" or "what about's" down the road. We decided that taking it day by day was what we should do, we could go crazy wonder about the "what if's" Now I wonder if that was a wise decision in some regards, we never talked about him passing, we never envisioned it ever happening, and I wonder if there were things he wanted to have done, things he needed to be said. We lived our lives to the fullest, to the best of our ability, and enjoyed each others company, I should not have regrets, but I just didn't want to let him down. It is hard to be here, on earth, and not know what his thoughts are- I want to hear his voice and have his reassurance that we did the right thing- I know we did, and no amount of questioning will changed how we handled his Journey- but I want his approval. I miss my boy.... his calming effect on me- his amazing strength and his hugs.

As my beautiful , strong, amazing daughter wrapped her arms around me this morning and told me it was going to be alright, I marvelled at how alike the two of them are. When I asked her how she could be so strong, she stated that it is much easier to be strong than sad. Wise words from a 14 year old.....

Day by Day.....