Goodbye 2011

Here it is the second last day of December, 2011. I can't say I will be sad to see it go. This year has been full of heartache, and as I sit here crying and blowing my nose, I am re-living it. I still can't believe that it is a reality, that my boy is no longer with us. Christmas was hard, but we made it through. I could see him so vividly throughout the days, his excited dances, running out to help my parents with their luggage, singing to the Christmas Carols, waiting oh so patiently for the opening of presents to begin. I so desperately want it to be different, to wake up and have this all be a bad dream, but every morning when I get up I realize that this is a bad dream, one that does not end.

It was good to have family with us for Christmas, and the support of friends was ever present. We had a quiet time, we did not watch "White Christmas" although we mentioned it quite often, Grant and my Dad  complained the whole way through it last year, it just wouldn't be the same without Grant, next year perhaps, when the vacant spot is not so fresh.

We attended a World Junior game courtesy of Kids Cancer Care. We were in a suite and ironically Sweden was playing. Grant loved hockey and was so proud of his Swedish heritage- I am sure he was there with us. We met some wonderful people who had also lost their child this year, we shared stories and tears. It was nice to be with people who were going through the same thing, hopefully we can keep in touch and draw strength from one another.

So as 2011 draws to a close, and our struggles continue- with new challenges being added daily, I wonder if 2012 will bring us the much desired lift we all need. I know it comes from within, I just pray that as we round the corner, the strength will come and a ray of light will shine brightly ahead.One thing that I know will help is our beautiful Ali starts her Club volleyball. It will be such a wonderful boost for her, and for Jim and I as well. We are looking forward to the fellowship you get from the team, it will be fun. As well the season starts for Basketball at school, and with her cousin Geoff and Ms McCracken as coaches it can't be anything but fun! If  anything it will be the distraction we all need to help with those baby steps.....

Day by Day.....

Baby Steps

We did it- we took our first real baby step and made it through Grant's Birthday. It was a tough day, filled with tears and remembrance, sadness and laughter. Again, the lead up was worse than the actual day. I want to thanks everyone for the concerns and caring and prayers for us on his day.Ali stayed home with me and we spent the day comforting each other, and sharing memories. Mom, Dad, Gaye, Richard, Ricky and Geoff joined Jim, Ali and I for Roast Beef and Yorkshire pudding- Grant's usual birthday supper. Gaye brought us all Booster Juices- remembering the smile on his face brought tears to all of us, he was so happy to have something besides water, the smallest things.......We celebrated his life and although he is no longer here on earth, I know his was watching over us and celebrating with us, he loved it when we were all together. I received a beautiful sign from him in the wee hours of the morning- I couldn't sleep and was thinking of him and I felt his hand intertwine with mine, it was the realest moment I have had with him and I thanked him. He allowed me to get some more rest and comforted me when I needed it- that was and is Grant, always there for me.

Jim and I attended a Service of Remembrance at Grace Lutheran Church in Drumheller on Wednesday, a beautiful time of reflection and remembering. It was comforting to be in the sanctuary, I remembered all the times since he was a baby that we had spent in there. His voice singing the songs and speaking the words put up on the screen, I miss him........

Our village has surrounded us at this time with so much love, we are blessed to have such an abundance of support. He has been remembered by so many people and celebrated in many different ways- thank you to all who have shared with us, Grant has brought out the humanity in all of us, I just hope it continues.

And now Christmas, the time to celebrate the birth of our Saviour. I find myself drawing many parallel lines with Grant and Jesus. Grant was our gift on earth for such a short time, and who knows what lessons he taught to each of us, but I do know we all have learned from him in one way or another. And now he gets to spend Christmas face to face with that saviour, it is a comfort to me in this trying time. I will close with a poem that we got at the Coping Seminar- it says it all and makes me cry- I love you Grant and wish you were with us, it won't be the same without you.....

I’m Spending Christmas with Jesus this Year!

I see the countless Christmas Trees, around the world below,

With Tiny lights, like heavens stars, reflecting in the snow.

The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear,

For I’m spending Christmas with Jesus this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs, that people hold so dear,

But the sounds of music can’t compare

with the Christmas choir up here.

For I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring.

For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain in your heart…

But please try to understand

I’m spending Christmas with Jesus this year.

I can’t tell you of the splendor, or the peace here in this place.

Can you imagine Christmas, with our Saviour face to face?

I’ll ask Him to light your spirit as I tell Him of your love.

So then pray for one another as you lift your eyes above.

So please let your hearts be joyful, and let your spirit sing.

For I’m spending Christmas in Heaven

And I’m walking with the King.

Merry Christmas to each of you, hold your family close and enjoy your time together, cherish everything...Love to all

Day by Day.....

Numbers

Since Feb 11, 2011 our lives have been controlled by numbers- days since diagnosis, day of treatment, counts, days until next phase of treatment, hours until discharge, temperatures. Now our numbers game is about days, months since Grant passed. It has been 3 months since we lost him, 3 months since I have hugged and kissed him, since I heard his voice- so hard.

Last night we had the Blood Drive in Grant's honour, it was amazing, just like my boy. The drive was fully booked and they had to turn away people at the door- what an amazing community and village we have. Jim, Ali and I arrived at the beginning and a few tears were shed, but the amazing support from the Blood Services Group, and of course, Shelagh McCracken, helped us. I was the only one that could donate, Ali of course is too young, and Jim is unable since his Heart Attack, but we were all there to witness the beautiful gift that so many people gave. I was so proud of Grant, for inspiring so many people to give a gift that is truly, the gift of life. Grant was never turned away from clinic due to a blood shortage fortunately, but it is a reality, and one that can be avoided, so hopefully this will carry on and Grant has brought some awareness. I know he was watching over us and full of pride at what was occurring, and i know he was smiling his signature smirk at the friendly competition on who could donate fastest (his cousin Geoff had second place honours- 3.5 minutes- its on for the Feb 10th clinic)

My emotions have been somewhat (?) more in check- believe me I have still have my moments- usually in public, but I do believe that the one thing that I took away from the coping seminar is helping me- the lead up is usually worse than the event- at least that was the case last night, it felt like I was actually taking a step forward (stay tuned- I am sure more back are yet to come) I still worry that Grant is looking down and wondering "How can she move on?" The mother in me, I am sure that will never go away. The true tests are yet to come- his birthday and Christmas, family time, not complete with Grant missing. With family and friends we will get through these next "firsts" and share memories of our amazing boy and the numbers may fade..

Day by Day.....

Tough times......

This week finds me overwhelmed with what is coming, 3 months on Friday, 3 months ago we lost our son and brother. Such a tough thing to think about, so many re-runs going through my mind. I am not sure that I will ever come to terms with our loss, still so unreal, so painful and still so fresh. The blood drive will be such a tribute to Grant- a young man who would do anything for anyone- bittersweet however because he should be there, showing people what their donations can achieve. Instead we are honoring his life, with tears and memories and in my case- sadness. Don't get me wrong, I am so proud of what Grant achieved in his short life, but I want him here with us. Not fair.

1 week today will be his 16th birthday- yet another milestone taken away. We will be celebrating how we always did, roast beef and Yorkshire pudding but with an empty place at the family table and only our memories and tears at what we have lost. Who knows, the actual day may be different, the lead up may be worse than the day, but for now this is how I feel, so sad and full of dread.

Ali and I had a good talk tonight- she has be overwhelmed with homework this year so far- she has had little time to be a 14 year old who has lost her best friend- consistently in her room trying o focus on her schoolwork. She is sad, worried about the upcoming holidays without her brother, the break will be hard but perhaps she will get a chance to relax and "be" and maybe grieve. Ali made the Okotoks Volleyball Club team and is looking forward to that. It will give her another outlet- one she loves- and give her, and us as her parents, another distraction from our reality. We are full of immense pride for her and what she can, and has achieved- she is an amazing, wonderful girl and we are blessed.

So we continue on, counting the days to our next "first" so many so close together..... Not easy by any stretch. I have cried more tears than I ever thought possible, have had so many ups and downs and yet am still lost, looking for answers that I know I will never find, and trying to be strong for my family- it is no wonder I have headaches daily, lose track of what I am doing, and feel like I am taking those same steps forward and then more back.

Day by Day......

A Night of Support

Last night Jim and I attended a seminar at First Alliance Church on Coping through the Holidays. Ali's grade 2 teacher is one of the facilitators and contacted us about going. Hard as it was, I am so glad we went. To know that there are so many people going through a similar experience is strangely comforting. I was also faced with the fact that I would have to share our story and I was actually scared, this is what I had been wanting and when push came to shove, I wasn't sure I could do it. I was worried about crying and letting my feelings show with strangers, but the genuine empathy that our fellow participants had for us soon put me at ease and the tears and snot flowed freely. It was amazing to be with people who are in a similar boat- wading through the same crap and trying to put one foot in front of the other just like us. The church offers a 7 week program that we are definitely interested in. Who knows we may end up in a few come the new year.

The lead up to the holidays fills me with anxiety, this was one of the points last night and I am trying to let some of it go. I tend to focus on the what "should be" and it is hard to focus on the memories instead. I will do my best but know it will be one of the hardest times I have ever had to face. This year has been filled with many hardest times- it Is not fair...

As Grant's birthday draws near, the blood drive in his honour is almost full, at last word there were only 8 spots left. I cannot express my gratitude to our village, we are so blessed to have such wonderful support. I wish will all my heart that Grant could be here for it, but I know he will be watching over us, filled with pride at how we are helping out those who are in need. It would break your heart to see kids turned away in clinic because of blood shortages, or to be with your son when he has no platelets, waiting for some to become available, so from the bottom of my heart- thank you.

The next few weeks will be hard for us, please understand that our few steps forward and then steps back will continue for some time, do not worry about making us cry- we will no matter what, and talk about Grant to us and to others, I do not want him to be forgotten, we were all blessed to have him in our lives, he is amazing and I miss him every minute.

Day by Day.....

Busier times but not busy enough....

This week has flown by, busy with Ali and volleyball tryouts. It is easier to make it through when I am busy, one foot in from of the other goes a lot smoother when there is a destination. I have had my moments, usually when I am on my own, the quiet alone times have never been what I wanted and now I dread them. I know they are necessary and I think I need to find something that will fill those times, preferably something that does not include shopping!

I had a talk with my beautiful daughter about how my actions affect her, I realize that it is hard on her to see me crying all the time. I want to be strong for her, strong like I was for Grant during treatment, but it is hard. Hard because I feel if I am being strong for Ali that Grant might see it as I am forgetting about him, and so it continues.....

Amongst my thoughts this week were the memories of last year at this time, of the preparations for Christmas with a family of four, shuttling both kids around in the bitter cold, and Grant with his first girlfriend, walking her home and calling to say he had arrived home safely albeit a little cold. I miss him so much......I feel cheated.

Day by Day.....