2 Months...

Two months.... two months without my boy, hardest two months of my life. I wonder to myself and speak with Jim about the fact that it still seems unreal, when I look at pictures of Grant, they are so realistic, like he is right there, like I could reach out and touch him. He had the most expressive eyes, perhaps it was because so much of our communication was done silently that I can look at his eyes and feel like he is right in front of me. I don't ever want to lose that but I want it to be real, I want him here, it is so unfair.......

I have spoken about the things that he will miss out on, his first car, his graduation and I wonder if he will miss them or if it is me that will miss them. I know he is in a better place, and I hope there is nothing but good for him, but I still worry and feel bad about what could have been. One thing I know is that he has a following of little kids with him, looking up to him and he is loving every minute of it. He loved kids, always the one to console, talk or play with them. Perhaps God needed someone to help with the little ones, and that is why he took him from us, called him home so young....probably one of many reasons I am sure.

Struggling with our "New Normal" as I am, I have had some good moments, some laughs, and some feel good times. I am trying to learn to let go of my guilt in these situations. I know that being guilty will not bring Grant back, my sorrow will not bring Grant back and the pools of tears I have cried will not bring him back. At some point I will achieve some sort of acceptance, when that will be I have no idea, but it is a learning experience for me. I am great at giving others advice, I just wish I could take my own.

I have had many people who say "I know", all I can say is very very few people "know". This is an experience that does not compare. As we wade through our days, trying to find a way, we have spoken to Kris, our social worker, and are trying to find a support group, people who have been through the same scenario of losing a child so we can talk and have a "commonality". We love our village, and appreciate and love each and every one of you, but fortunately, for almost all of you, you have not had this tragedy in your lives. We will add another "group" into our lives, the ones who have had the "unthinkable" happen to them, at least I hope that will will find that group - I may have to form my own!

So I will try and get through this day, as I do every day, one foot in front of the other, one box of kleenex at a time (or a couple depending on the day) Thank you all for being there for all of us, we love you all. Thanks for crying with us and laughing with us and for listening to the Grant stories which we hold near and dear to our hearts.

I love you my boy, and miss you every minute.......

Day by Day.....