Change or Alteration??

This last week has been tough, again I am not sure why, but it has been. I have fallen apart daily and at some of the strangest times. Commenting to friends, I have said that if people have been following me, they would think I have multiple personalities, one minute I am laughing and the next minute I am crying. I am quiet, and then loud- perhaps I am going crazy or perhaps my coping skills are struggling to see which one will come out on top, either way I am so happy to have the continued support of our village, you all have not waivered and are always there for us- thank you.

I have set up my office in Grant's room, I have not changed things, other than shuffling stuff from one spot to another, and I always talk to Grant as I make those changes, because I know he was a creature of habit. I remember one day during treatment, he was in bed and I decided to swap the locations of his dresser and bookshelf. Ali had recently done it in her room and since their rooms were mirror opposites, I thought it would be perfect, giving him a little bit more room in his shoebox bedroom. He was laying in his bed and watching me, patiently moving ever so slightly so I could place his books on his bed, or a drawer or two so I could move the furniture. When all was completed, after I bugged him again about the stuff he needed to hold on to- the rocks the papers, the 3 rubber band balls..... he said he did not like it and wanted to have it the way it was. With my ever present desire to switch things up, I could not understand it, I asked him to try it out for a bit but he would have no part of it. That was Grant, so as I shuffle things around in his room I try not to move too much, hoping that my changes do not upset him too much. Apparently they upset me, as I have guilt  for moving the dresser so that I can put a filing cabinet in that I do not have to crawl over as I walk in the room. I hope he understands, he understood me, perhaps better than I understood myself, so I am sure he does and some day I may not have the guilt..... someday.

With the complete upheaval in our lives I cannot help but think about change, wonder how we can do our everyday living and try not to change things. It is impossible. I have come to realize, many things will have to change, but they can be changed slightly, not complete overhauls. I am resistant to change now, taking a bit of a turn from my past self- not completely- but a bit.  So I will continue on, Day by Day, the best I can as I miss my son, continually worrying about how he is, and if he approves of my slight alterations. I love you Grant, we all do, and we miss you always.....

Day by Day.....