Dreaded Events

Last week brought on a whole new round of anxiety for me, the weekend of Dreaded Events... My life, although still in a world of hurt and pain, has its moments of a non- crying laughing Melanie, but what lay ahead was daunting and occupied my thoughts a large amount of the time, how would I handle it, what would each event bring, could I hold myself together (this is the silliest because I am not good at it at all)

Saturday we needed to go and pick up our ski passes from the Resorts of the Canadian Rockies. Skiing was a huge part of our life up until last year. We spent almost all of our winter weekends in Sparwood together, skiing at Fernie, and the lead up took us to the RCR office and then on to Glamorgan Bakery. My mind kept going back to the previous years, lining up with the kids from the time that they couldn't stand still to the times that they pointed out where on the ski hill they "hadn't" been yet, but were planning on going. I managed to hold it together for the trip- barely but I did- not an easy task.

That night held the next challenge, an annual Christmas party at our friends house. So many people that we have known for years, yet we don't know- if that makes sense. I was dreading the reactions of people, I have never been too sure on how I want people to respond but after Saturday evening I now know. We arrive to the uncomfortable, awkward welcome of people with whom we had shared so many laughs in the past. Again the silence was almost deafening, the look of absolute terror on some faces as they wondered what to say. It was at the moment when I was about to break down that I found someone that I had already had the "awkward moment" with- thank you for being there Cheryl. Her daughter played volleyball with Ali so she had been around us since the beginning- seeing the tears and laughter. We started to chat and I could tell Jim was going through the same thing- floating, not knowing where to go as I had. It was not until after that I realized how much he had in common with me at that moment, he has been so strong for me. As the night continued on the people came who just talked to us, said they were sorry for our loss and were not afraid to make us cry. To these people- I want to say thank you- you know who you are and I love you. You didn't care if I broke down and that is what I now realize I want, I want the acknowledgement that Grant is no longer on this earth with us, that a major part of us has been lost- I don't want it ignored- that is more painful. At the end of the night as we prepared to leave, the acknowledgement did come- thank you! I went home with no makeup and a snot headache, but another "First" was behind us.

Sunday brought the next- putting up the Christmas lights. It was Grants job to help Jim with the lights- although it wasn't his favorite, he did it- I can see him standing outside- hands in pockets, clapping his hands together every now and then, and wandering back and forth with the odd argument thrown in for good measure and tradition. It was  tough to be out doing it with Jim- thinking back to the last year- such a short time ago when he was doing it- before our nightmare began. Tears once again were streaming down my face- so unfair. Then the real test was upon us- decorating the house- setting up the tree, so many memories of such happy times and now such sadness surrounding us. Each and every year we got the kids an ornament, specially chosen for them, which they placed on the tree and we talked about each and every one as the found the perfect spot. Now the task was ours, knowing that Grant would never have those ornaments on his own tree where they were supposed to end up. Again the question- Why Grant??? Through the tears we did have some laughs and remembered the funny things that happened every year on this day, I guess we will hold on tighter to those memories now as we have no other choice. I struggled with the day in my own way- wondereing again as I always do if he is looking down and questioning or happy with how we are trying to go on. I hate it.

Through all of this I look at my beautiful daughter of whom I am so proud, and wonder how she is affected by my sadness. Is she upset, angry, jealous? I need a handbook that so few people need, and I need strength that is sometimes so hard to find. I pray that we will find our way through this Holiday Season, through all of the "Firsts" and the "Awkward moments". I will end this with a post from another Oncology Mom who lost her son this year, it says it all.......

Don't hurt me as I have been hurt, don't judge me as I don't need to be judged, don't expect too much from me as am healing, don't ignore my loss as it hurts me more, don't ask me to move on fast as that won't happen, and don't push a broken heart, I watched my angel enter this world, and watched him leave.

Day by Day.....