Last week brought on a whole new round of anxiety for me, the weekend of Dreaded Events... My life, although still in a world of hurt and pain, has its moments of a non- crying laughing Melanie, but what lay ahead was daunting and occupied my thoughts a large amount of the time, how would I handle it, what would each event bring, could I hold myself together (this is the silliest because I am not good at it at all)
Saturday we needed to go and pick up our ski passes from the Resorts of the Canadian Rockies. Skiing was a huge part of our life up until last year. We spent almost all of our winter weekends in Sparwood together, skiing at Fernie, and the lead up took us to the RCR office and then on to Glamorgan Bakery. My mind kept going back to the previous years, lining up with the kids from the time that they couldn't stand still to the times that they pointed out where on the ski hill they "hadn't" been yet, but were planning on going. I managed to hold it together for the trip- barely but I did- not an easy task.
That night held the next challenge, an annual Christmas party at our friends house. So many people that we have known for years, yet we don't know- if that makes sense. I was dreading the reactions of people, I have never been too sure on how I want people to respond but after Saturday evening I now know. We arrive to the uncomfortable, awkward welcome of people with whom we had shared so many laughs in the past. Again the silence was almost deafening, the look of absolute terror on some faces as they wondered what to say. It was at the moment when I was about to break down that I found someone that I had already had the "awkward moment" with- thank you for being there Cheryl. Her daughter played volleyball with Ali so she had been around us since the beginning- seeing the tears and laughter. We started to chat and I could tell Jim was going through the same thing- floating, not knowing where to go as I had. It was not until after that I realized how much he had in common with me at that moment, he has been so strong for me. As the night continued on the people came who just talked to us, said they were sorry for our loss and were not afraid to make us cry. To these people- I want to say thank you- you know who you are and I love you. You didn't care if I broke down and that is what I now realize I want, I want the acknowledgement that Grant is no longer on this earth with us, that a major part of us has been lost- I don't want it ignored- that is more painful. At the end of the night as we prepared to leave, the acknowledgement did come- thank you! I went home with no makeup and a snot headache, but another "First" was behind us.
Sunday brought the next- putting up the Christmas lights. It was Grants job to help Jim with the lights- although it wasn't his favorite, he did it- I can see him standing outside- hands in pockets, clapping his hands together every now and then, and wandering back and forth with the odd argument thrown in for good measure and tradition. It was tough to be out doing it with Jim- thinking back to the last year- such a short time ago when he was doing it- before our nightmare began. Tears once again were streaming down my face- so unfair. Then the real test was upon us- decorating the house- setting up the tree, so many memories of such happy times and now such sadness surrounding us. Each and every year we got the kids an ornament, specially chosen for them, which they placed on the tree and we talked about each and every one as the found the perfect spot. Now the task was ours, knowing that Grant would never have those ornaments on his own tree where they were supposed to end up. Again the question- Why Grant??? Through the tears we did have some laughs and remembered the funny things that happened every year on this day, I guess we will hold on tighter to those memories now as we have no other choice. I struggled with the day in my own way- wondereing again as I always do if he is looking down and questioning or happy with how we are trying to go on. I hate it.
Through all of this I look at my beautiful daughter of whom I am so proud, and wonder how she is affected by my sadness. Is she upset, angry, jealous? I need a handbook that so few people need, and I need strength that is sometimes so hard to find. I pray that we will find our way through this Holiday Season, through all of the "Firsts" and the "Awkward moments". I will end this with a post from another Oncology Mom who lost her son this year, it says it all.......
Monday, 28 November 2011
Thursday, 24 November 2011
Sunrise
The other day as I was driving Jim to work , we shared another beautiful sunrise with Grant. It had the same beautiful colours, orange and pinks, that were in the sunrise the day of his Celebration. I know he had a hand in it, he is always around, and yet I struggle.......
As I talk to Grant daily about my struggles, I can picture him looking down and rolling his eyes at me, giving me his smirk- his answer to a smile as he didn't like to show teeth. When I look at pictures of him they seem so real that I think he must be here, and I keep waiting for his hugs. I wonder if I will ever come to terms with this. I have started to accept some things, I now am the one taking the baby steps that I so often spoke of with Grants Journey. I know that there is no point in having regrets about how things were handled (well most of the time) as all they do is make me sad, and I can't change the past, much as I would love to. I am fairly sure that God had a purpose for taking Grant from us so early- yes I do have moments that I still question but they are fewer and I do know that he is in a much better place- albeit without us.
So many people have offered us such kind words, love and support. I cannot tell you the number of tears I shed in a day, but I do know that I have wonderful friends who watch and wait for me to talk, after the snot and gulps for air have subsided. I continue to speak of Grant as if he were still here on earth- talking about his likes and his dislikes, the things that he likes to do and I wonder after if the people I am talking to are thinking that I am nuts?? Thank you for accepting and not judging or questioning. Most of you know I am a little crazy... as for the poor passerby in Original Joes or Starbucks- oh well....
Our village continues to support Grant and our family. Mountain Park School has organized a Blood Drive in Grants honour. It will be held 4 days before his birthday, Dec 16th at Cardinal Newman School in McKenzie. After living the nightmare of daily blood transfusions and witnessing shortages I am so thankful for people who donate, I am joining back in, after a few years, and will just ensure I eat a lot before and after (not such a tough job for me) If you would like to donate you can call Canadian Blood services at 1-888-236-6283.
Day by Day.....
As I talk to Grant daily about my struggles, I can picture him looking down and rolling his eyes at me, giving me his smirk- his answer to a smile as he didn't like to show teeth. When I look at pictures of him they seem so real that I think he must be here, and I keep waiting for his hugs. I wonder if I will ever come to terms with this. I have started to accept some things, I now am the one taking the baby steps that I so often spoke of with Grants Journey. I know that there is no point in having regrets about how things were handled (well most of the time) as all they do is make me sad, and I can't change the past, much as I would love to. I am fairly sure that God had a purpose for taking Grant from us so early- yes I do have moments that I still question but they are fewer and I do know that he is in a much better place- albeit without us.
So many people have offered us such kind words, love and support. I cannot tell you the number of tears I shed in a day, but I do know that I have wonderful friends who watch and wait for me to talk, after the snot and gulps for air have subsided. I continue to speak of Grant as if he were still here on earth- talking about his likes and his dislikes, the things that he likes to do and I wonder after if the people I am talking to are thinking that I am nuts?? Thank you for accepting and not judging or questioning. Most of you know I am a little crazy... as for the poor passerby in Original Joes or Starbucks- oh well....
Our village continues to support Grant and our family. Mountain Park School has organized a Blood Drive in Grants honour. It will be held 4 days before his birthday, Dec 16th at Cardinal Newman School in McKenzie. After living the nightmare of daily blood transfusions and witnessing shortages I am so thankful for people who donate, I am joining back in, after a few years, and will just ensure I eat a lot before and after (not such a tough job for me) If you would like to donate you can call Canadian Blood services at 1-888-236-6283.
Day by Day.....
Saturday, 19 November 2011
Another Weekend
Well another weekend is upon us and as I visited with my parents this morning I got a bit melancholy. Grant would have been up with us chatting away and sharing his thoughts, positions and feeling on topics which frankly I hear a lot of WAA WAA WAA on! He was always willing to listen to share with everyone and loved chatting with my Dad. I miss him so much. as I have said before weekends seem to be so much tougher, he was always up early with me while Jim and Ali slept in, I miss those times. I went in to wake Ali this morning at 11:00 and asked her how her sleep was, "still going" is the answer I received! She is a sleeper that is for sure, she is the apple to Jim's tree. I am always amazed at how similar and yet so different my kids are.....
I was out this week and chatting with a lady about her two young children, as we spoke I found myself dreading the coming question- how old are your kids?- Of course it inevitably came and I answered that my son was 15- would have turned 16 in December, and my daughter is 14. The pause then came, the young lady was unsure how to continue the conversation, I told her that he had passed away recently and the awkward silence that followed was deafening, well at least to me. With my need to continue talking I explained what had happened and she was so apologetic for bringing it up. I guess this is part of our "new normal", as we continue on with our lives this question will continue to pop up and I know it will throw me for a loop every time, I can only hope that I find the correct response- not that there is one- but one that I can be comfortable with.
With the holiday season fast approaching I find myself in a strange state of mind- excited, angry, sad. Grants birthday coming has his words echoing through my head about how he is almost 16.... Can you believe it Mother??? I need to take a page from Ali's book yet again, she is very excited about Christmas, as she loves this time of year, and points out that Grant loved it too, I am sure that loves is the word I should be using, which makes me wonder if he will have Christmas- always the questions in my mind, the never ending questions. I want answers from him, reassurances. My faith which has always been strong, waivers often as I struggle with this reality of our life- someday.......
Day by Day.....
I was out this week and chatting with a lady about her two young children, as we spoke I found myself dreading the coming question- how old are your kids?- Of course it inevitably came and I answered that my son was 15- would have turned 16 in December, and my daughter is 14. The pause then came, the young lady was unsure how to continue the conversation, I told her that he had passed away recently and the awkward silence that followed was deafening, well at least to me. With my need to continue talking I explained what had happened and she was so apologetic for bringing it up. I guess this is part of our "new normal", as we continue on with our lives this question will continue to pop up and I know it will throw me for a loop every time, I can only hope that I find the correct response- not that there is one- but one that I can be comfortable with.
With the holiday season fast approaching I find myself in a strange state of mind- excited, angry, sad. Grants birthday coming has his words echoing through my head about how he is almost 16.... Can you believe it Mother??? I need to take a page from Ali's book yet again, she is very excited about Christmas, as she loves this time of year, and points out that Grant loved it too, I am sure that loves is the word I should be using, which makes me wonder if he will have Christmas- always the questions in my mind, the never ending questions. I want answers from him, reassurances. My faith which has always been strong, waivers often as I struggle with this reality of our life- someday.......
Day by Day.....
Wednesday, 16 November 2011
2 Months...
Two months.... two months without my boy, hardest two months of my life. I wonder to myself and speak with Jim about the fact that it still seems unreal, when I look at pictures of Grant, they are so realistic, like he is right there, like I could reach out and touch him. He had the most expressive eyes, perhaps it was because so much of our communication was done silently that I can look at his eyes and feel like he is right in front of me. I don't ever want to lose that but I want it to be real, I want him here, it is so unfair.......
I have spoken about the things that he will miss out on, his first car, his graduation and I wonder if he will miss them or if it is me that will miss them. I know he is in a better place, and I hope there is nothing but good for him, but I still worry and feel bad about what could have been. One thing I know is that he has a following of little kids with him, looking up to him and he is loving every minute of it. He loved kids, always the one to console, talk or play with them. Perhaps God needed someone to help with the little ones, and that is why he took him from us, called him home so young....probably one of many reasons I am sure.
Struggling with our "New Normal" as I am, I have had some good moments, some laughs, and some feel good times. I am trying to learn to let go of my guilt in these situations. I know that being guilty will not bring Grant back, my sorrow will not bring Grant back and the pools of tears I have cried will not bring him back. At some point I will achieve some sort of acceptance, when that will be I have no idea, but it is a learning experience for me. I am great at giving others advice, I just wish I could take my own.
I have had many people who say "I know", all I can say is very very few people "know". This is an experience that does not compare. As we wade through our days, trying to find a way, we have spoken to Kris, our social worker, and are trying to find a support group, people who have been through the same scenario of losing a child so we can talk and have a "commonality". We love our village, and appreciate and love each and every one of you, but fortunately, for almost all of you, you have not had this tragedy in your lives. We will add another "group" into our lives, the ones who have had the "unthinkable" happen to them, at least I hope that will will find that group - I may have to form my own!
So I will try and get through this day, as I do every day, one foot in front of the other, one box of kleenex at a time (or a couple depending on the day) Thank you all for being there for all of us, we love you all. Thanks for crying with us and laughing with us and for listening to the Grant stories which we hold near and dear to our hearts.
I love you my boy, and miss you every minute.......
Day by Day.....
I have spoken about the things that he will miss out on, his first car, his graduation and I wonder if he will miss them or if it is me that will miss them. I know he is in a better place, and I hope there is nothing but good for him, but I still worry and feel bad about what could have been. One thing I know is that he has a following of little kids with him, looking up to him and he is loving every minute of it. He loved kids, always the one to console, talk or play with them. Perhaps God needed someone to help with the little ones, and that is why he took him from us, called him home so young....probably one of many reasons I am sure.
Struggling with our "New Normal" as I am, I have had some good moments, some laughs, and some feel good times. I am trying to learn to let go of my guilt in these situations. I know that being guilty will not bring Grant back, my sorrow will not bring Grant back and the pools of tears I have cried will not bring him back. At some point I will achieve some sort of acceptance, when that will be I have no idea, but it is a learning experience for me. I am great at giving others advice, I just wish I could take my own.
I have had many people who say "I know", all I can say is very very few people "know". This is an experience that does not compare. As we wade through our days, trying to find a way, we have spoken to Kris, our social worker, and are trying to find a support group, people who have been through the same scenario of losing a child so we can talk and have a "commonality". We love our village, and appreciate and love each and every one of you, but fortunately, for almost all of you, you have not had this tragedy in your lives. We will add another "group" into our lives, the ones who have had the "unthinkable" happen to them, at least I hope that will will find that group - I may have to form my own!
So I will try and get through this day, as I do every day, one foot in front of the other, one box of kleenex at a time (or a couple depending on the day) Thank you all for being there for all of us, we love you all. Thanks for crying with us and laughing with us and for listening to the Grant stories which we hold near and dear to our hearts.
I love you my boy, and miss you every minute.......
Day by Day.....
Friday, 11 November 2011
Change or Alteration??
This last week has been tough, again I am not sure why, but it has been. I have fallen apart daily and at some of the strangest times. Commenting to friends, I have said that if people have been following me, they would think I have multiple personalities, one minute I am laughing and the next minute I am crying. I am quiet, and then loud- perhaps I am going crazy or perhaps my coping skills are struggling to see which one will come out on top, either way I am so happy to have the continued support of our village, you all have not waivered and are always there for us- thank you.
I have set up my office in Grant's room, I have not changed things, other than shuffling stuff from one spot to another, and I always talk to Grant as I make those changes, because I know he was a creature of habit. I remember one day during treatment, he was in bed and I decided to swap the locations of his dresser and bookshelf. Ali had recently done it in her room and since their rooms were mirror opposites, I thought it would be perfect, giving him a little bit more room in his shoebox bedroom. He was laying in his bed and watching me, patiently moving ever so slightly so I could place his books on his bed, or a drawer or two so I could move the furniture. When all was completed, after I bugged him again about the stuff he needed to hold on to- the rocks the papers, the 3 rubber band balls..... he said he did not like it and wanted to have it the way it was. With my ever present desire to switch things up, I could not understand it, I asked him to try it out for a bit but he would have no part of it. That was Grant, so as I shuffle things around in his room I try not to move too much, hoping that my changes do not upset him too much. Apparently they upset me, as I have guilt for moving the dresser so that I can put a filing cabinet in that I do not have to crawl over as I walk in the room. I hope he understands, he understood me, perhaps better than I understood myself, so I am sure he does and some day I may not have the guilt..... someday.
With the complete upheaval in our lives I cannot help but think about change, wonder how we can do our everyday living and try not to change things. It is impossible. I have come to realize, many things will have to change, but they can be changed slightly, not complete overhauls. I am resistant to change now, taking a bit of a turn from my past self- not completely- but a bit. So I will continue on, Day by Day, the best I can as I miss my son, continually worrying about how he is, and if he approves of my slight alterations. I love you Grant, we all do, and we miss you always.....
Day by Day.....
I have set up my office in Grant's room, I have not changed things, other than shuffling stuff from one spot to another, and I always talk to Grant as I make those changes, because I know he was a creature of habit. I remember one day during treatment, he was in bed and I decided to swap the locations of his dresser and bookshelf. Ali had recently done it in her room and since their rooms were mirror opposites, I thought it would be perfect, giving him a little bit more room in his shoebox bedroom. He was laying in his bed and watching me, patiently moving ever so slightly so I could place his books on his bed, or a drawer or two so I could move the furniture. When all was completed, after I bugged him again about the stuff he needed to hold on to- the rocks the papers, the 3 rubber band balls..... he said he did not like it and wanted to have it the way it was. With my ever present desire to switch things up, I could not understand it, I asked him to try it out for a bit but he would have no part of it. That was Grant, so as I shuffle things around in his room I try not to move too much, hoping that my changes do not upset him too much. Apparently they upset me, as I have guilt for moving the dresser so that I can put a filing cabinet in that I do not have to crawl over as I walk in the room. I hope he understands, he understood me, perhaps better than I understood myself, so I am sure he does and some day I may not have the guilt..... someday.
With the complete upheaval in our lives I cannot help but think about change, wonder how we can do our everyday living and try not to change things. It is impossible. I have come to realize, many things will have to change, but they can be changed slightly, not complete overhauls. I am resistant to change now, taking a bit of a turn from my past self- not completely- but a bit. So I will continue on, Day by Day, the best I can as I miss my son, continually worrying about how he is, and if he approves of my slight alterations. I love you Grant, we all do, and we miss you always.....
Day by Day.....
Tuesday, 8 November 2011
Granny Smith Green
Today is not a good day, I am not sure why it happens, but some days it hits me harder than others that Grant is gone, he will not be coming home after school and yelling as he opens the door, or leaving his water bottle in his backpack, just as he did every day.
This past weekend was good, we were kept busy trying to finish the kitchen reno which has taken us a year and a half, not that it was so extensive, just kept getting interrupted. We painted the kitchen green, Granny Smith Green, just like the apples that Grant loved and craved, perhaps it was the completion of that task, the feeling of him surrounding us as we are in the kitchen, or the glance at the picture of Grant and Ali holding hands at ages 3 and 2, walking down the waterfront in Nakusp that has made me miss him so much and made my tears flow. Not that I need a reason, just makes me wonder "why today"?
I have been having regrets lateley, thinking back, as I always do, about the last 7 months of Grants life. Our Mantra, Day by Day, came to be because Grant was always worried about "what if's" or "what about's" down the road. We decided that taking it day by day was what we should do, we could go crazy wonder about the "what if's" Now I wonder if that was a wise decision in some regards, we never talked about him passing, we never envisioned it ever happening, and I wonder if there were things he wanted to have done, things he needed to be said. We lived our lives to the fullest, to the best of our ability, and enjoyed each others company, I should not have regrets, but I just didn't want to let him down. It is hard to be here, on earth, and not know what his thoughts are- I want to hear his voice and have his reassurance that we did the right thing- I know we did, and no amount of questioning will changed how we handled his Journey- but I want his approval. I miss my boy.... his calming effect on me- his amazing strength and his hugs.
As my beautiful , strong, amazing daughter wrapped her arms around me this morning and told me it was going to be alright, I marvelled at how alike the two of them are. When I asked her how she could be so strong, she stated that it is much easier to be strong than sad. Wise words from a 14 year old.....
Day by Day.....
This past weekend was good, we were kept busy trying to finish the kitchen reno which has taken us a year and a half, not that it was so extensive, just kept getting interrupted. We painted the kitchen green, Granny Smith Green, just like the apples that Grant loved and craved, perhaps it was the completion of that task, the feeling of him surrounding us as we are in the kitchen, or the glance at the picture of Grant and Ali holding hands at ages 3 and 2, walking down the waterfront in Nakusp that has made me miss him so much and made my tears flow. Not that I need a reason, just makes me wonder "why today"?
I have been having regrets lateley, thinking back, as I always do, about the last 7 months of Grants life. Our Mantra, Day by Day, came to be because Grant was always worried about "what if's" or "what about's" down the road. We decided that taking it day by day was what we should do, we could go crazy wonder about the "what if's" Now I wonder if that was a wise decision in some regards, we never talked about him passing, we never envisioned it ever happening, and I wonder if there were things he wanted to have done, things he needed to be said. We lived our lives to the fullest, to the best of our ability, and enjoyed each others company, I should not have regrets, but I just didn't want to let him down. It is hard to be here, on earth, and not know what his thoughts are- I want to hear his voice and have his reassurance that we did the right thing- I know we did, and no amount of questioning will changed how we handled his Journey- but I want his approval. I miss my boy.... his calming effect on me- his amazing strength and his hugs.
As my beautiful , strong, amazing daughter wrapped her arms around me this morning and told me it was going to be alright, I marvelled at how alike the two of them are. When I asked her how she could be so strong, she stated that it is much easier to be strong than sad. Wise words from a 14 year old.....
Day by Day.....
Sunday, 6 November 2011
Camp Weekend
It is Sunday and this weekend has been the first that I have not been in my sad place. I guess we have been so busy it has kept my mind off of the sadness. I have of course had moments, many, where the tears flow freely down my face.
Ali went to Kids Cancer Care Camp this weekend, drop off was hard, just 3 short months ago we were dropping Grant off and he was feeling so good, excited and apprehensive. We saw the kids he met who had such a great impact on him, who he became fast friends with and it was hard, missing him. He came back having had such a fantastic experience, and I hope Ali has the same sort of experience. The bus pulled up while I was typing, seeing the hugs all around brought tears to my eyes, again why Grant??? Ali enjoyed camp, made great friends and could just "be" that is all I could ask for, our new family continues to support and surround us with love. Life is so unfair in many ways, the taking of my boy at such a young age, but his forged relationships live on for the rest of us. I love that about Grant, he shared stories about us with people so when the awkward moments of that initial meeting arrive- there is no awkwardness, just a feeling of "knowing".
I have heard more of Grants songs his weekend than I have for a while, usually it is one here and there. Last night 3 in a row played, he was definatly with us- I miss his off key singing though, and his larger than life presence, I will forever.
I love you Turkey Face and miss you every minute, thanks for watching over your sister this weekend, you knew she would love camp, and she did.
Day by Day....:
Ali went to Kids Cancer Care Camp this weekend, drop off was hard, just 3 short months ago we were dropping Grant off and he was feeling so good, excited and apprehensive. We saw the kids he met who had such a great impact on him, who he became fast friends with and it was hard, missing him. He came back having had such a fantastic experience, and I hope Ali has the same sort of experience. The bus pulled up while I was typing, seeing the hugs all around brought tears to my eyes, again why Grant??? Ali enjoyed camp, made great friends and could just "be" that is all I could ask for, our new family continues to support and surround us with love. Life is so unfair in many ways, the taking of my boy at such a young age, but his forged relationships live on for the rest of us. I love that about Grant, he shared stories about us with people so when the awkward moments of that initial meeting arrive- there is no awkwardness, just a feeling of "knowing".
I have heard more of Grants songs his weekend than I have for a while, usually it is one here and there. Last night 3 in a row played, he was definatly with us- I miss his off key singing though, and his larger than life presence, I will forever.
I love you Turkey Face and miss you every minute, thanks for watching over your sister this weekend, you knew she would love camp, and she did.
Day by Day....:
Friday, 4 November 2011
The "new normal"
It has been 49 days since we lost Grant, 49 days to try and put one foot in front of the other and carry on. How can we possibly do this? Some days it seems easier than others, some days down right suck. I am bitter, sad, happy, resentful, angry, depressed- you name it I feel it, all in a day- 24 hours see a lot of emotions.
We know that Grant is in a better place, free of pain and ports and lines and medication, but he is not with us, in body that is. I long for his smile, his laugh, his hugs and his "I love you's". His opinions are missed, his "no volume control" is missed, everything about this seems so unfair. He had so much to offer the world, so many things he never got to do and experience. In many ways he experienced so much more than most, but that doesn't make it any easier.
I have been struggling with moving forward, feel guilty that life goes on without him. I know that he would want me to move on, but I can't help it. I feel that if I don't talk out loud to him he won't hear me, and won't know that I am thinking of him, I feel bad when I get excited about things and wonder if he is looking down and saying "how can they be happy without me??' I sit at night in his room and talk and then say goodnight, and I wonder if I don't do that every night will he be upset- will it be the same if I say goodnight to him in my bed?? After 15+ years of saying prayers with him every night- without fail- it is hard to think abut not doing it anymore, but I guess I will find my way.
I had a big anger stage, everything made me mad. Peoples comments, actions, even the "unsaid" things pissed me off. I have always hated it when people take their kids for granted, now it is amplified 10 fold- love them, hug them and if they want to be around you- PLEASE ENJOY EVERY MINUTE! I have been told by Jim that I need to not let other peoples actions bother me, unfortunatly I cannot do that very well, however I am trying....
I sit in Grants room daily, taking comfort in his surroundings, so many of the things that drove me crazy about him, like his need to keep every little thing, now make me smile and cry. The stories of how he HAD to keep the silly buffalo or that special rock come back to me. I miss having him with me all day- I am lonely, hard to believe that with my wonderful husband and amazing daughter, I could be lonely, but the days are hard. He and I were always together, sharing laughs, tears, concerns and although I still voice all three of those, there is no response, just an empty echo ... I miss him. I feel him with me, but it is not the same, the stubble of his unshaved face doesn't brush my cheek and I don't get to hear "look how tall I am" daily as he stands beside me in front of a mirror.
I had not journaled at all since Grant passed away, so much of my life since February revolved around him, from meals, to hospital. medications, terminology, treatment plans, companionship and it was easy to write about, to keep everyone informed. No one needs to know about me and how I am coping, but I felt the need to write down my feelings- thank you Lynn for the nudge- my sleep might become a bit better now that I have my feeling down on this virtual paper. There will be more to come, rest assured.
Day by Day.....
We know that Grant is in a better place, free of pain and ports and lines and medication, but he is not with us, in body that is. I long for his smile, his laugh, his hugs and his "I love you's". His opinions are missed, his "no volume control" is missed, everything about this seems so unfair. He had so much to offer the world, so many things he never got to do and experience. In many ways he experienced so much more than most, but that doesn't make it any easier.
I have been struggling with moving forward, feel guilty that life goes on without him. I know that he would want me to move on, but I can't help it. I feel that if I don't talk out loud to him he won't hear me, and won't know that I am thinking of him, I feel bad when I get excited about things and wonder if he is looking down and saying "how can they be happy without me??' I sit at night in his room and talk and then say goodnight, and I wonder if I don't do that every night will he be upset- will it be the same if I say goodnight to him in my bed?? After 15+ years of saying prayers with him every night- without fail- it is hard to think abut not doing it anymore, but I guess I will find my way.
I had a big anger stage, everything made me mad. Peoples comments, actions, even the "unsaid" things pissed me off. I have always hated it when people take their kids for granted, now it is amplified 10 fold- love them, hug them and if they want to be around you- PLEASE ENJOY EVERY MINUTE! I have been told by Jim that I need to not let other peoples actions bother me, unfortunatly I cannot do that very well, however I am trying....
I sit in Grants room daily, taking comfort in his surroundings, so many of the things that drove me crazy about him, like his need to keep every little thing, now make me smile and cry. The stories of how he HAD to keep the silly buffalo or that special rock come back to me. I miss having him with me all day- I am lonely, hard to believe that with my wonderful husband and amazing daughter, I could be lonely, but the days are hard. He and I were always together, sharing laughs, tears, concerns and although I still voice all three of those, there is no response, just an empty echo ... I miss him. I feel him with me, but it is not the same, the stubble of his unshaved face doesn't brush my cheek and I don't get to hear "look how tall I am" daily as he stands beside me in front of a mirror.
I had not journaled at all since Grant passed away, so much of my life since February revolved around him, from meals, to hospital. medications, terminology, treatment plans, companionship and it was easy to write about, to keep everyone informed. No one needs to know about me and how I am coping, but I felt the need to write down my feelings- thank you Lynn for the nudge- my sleep might become a bit better now that I have my feeling down on this virtual paper. There will be more to come, rest assured.
Day by Day.....
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