A Mothers Concerns.....

There are always questions and concerns that consume me- I am not sure if I am alone with this, if a mother who loses her child is plagued by these thoughts, but I do know that I am. Hopefully when I start with a support group, I will find out if I am an anomaly or if I am "normal". I have had a tough week, sadness has come for a visit and has not left. I find myself being concerned about Grant, wondering once again if he is really in a better place, if he is in Heaven. I am not sure where this comes from, I have always believed, I think that it is just the need for me to hear it from him, for the confirmation that I so desire.

I have had some indicators or signs, not that I realised it at the time, but talking about my concerns with my friends brought them into the open. Yesterday, Jim was in the living room and the TV was on- 100 Huntley Street- he wasn't watching it, it was white noise in the background, but as I was getting ready to leave for work, I heard them talking about the book "Heaven is for Real". It was a book that I had read shortly after Grant passed away, and it gave me comfort then- perhaps it was time to read it again- that was the first sign. The second came this morning, I was up fairly early and sitting in the living room, blinds closed when I thought I should open them. The absolute beauty of the sunrise took my breath away and I knew in that moment that Grant was giving me a sign, my beautiful, amazing wonderful boy was letting me know that he was indeed in a better place- still not the words coming from him but I will take it and believe. Goodness knows how long this will last, I know that the questions and concerns will come back, but for now I have some peace.

Concerns have come as time passes as well, wondering if he is still remembered by his friends, if they still think of him. I remember during his treatment how he wished his friends would come and visit him, and how life carried on for them while his was on hold. I don't want him to be forgotten, I know life continues no matter what- I just hope that his memory is still alive- I do know that we laugh and cry, talk about him each and every day and have conversations with him constantly in this house. I still talk to him each night before bed, sometimes from my own bed sometimes in his- finding my way........I am sure I get the strange looks from drivers beside me on the road as I talk to him- I am still worried that if I don't speak out loud he won't hear me- or that my neighbours think that I am crazy as I walk Hido talking to Grant as we go, crying and laughing.

Life in our household has continued as well, Jim starts his new job tomorrow- we are so excited for him, and I am in my second week with mine. I am sure Grant has been watching over me and I know he will be walking along with Jim as he enters this next phase. Ali has been playing some amazing basketball with Grant right by her side, I am sure he is so proud of how well she is playing and cheering her on from high, the two number 8's - if only he was here- so unreal still.....I never thought we would be in this situation, and wonder if I will ever believe it.

Day by Day......

Fernie Time..

Last week was a busy one- we prepared for our trip to Fernie, another first. I was apprehensive and excited at the same time. We have not skied Fernie since we sold our place in 2010, we all missed it last year, especially Jim and Grant who covered all of the hill. This year it would be the 3 of us, going back with so many memories of our time spent as a family in the valley, all 4 of us , just happy to be together doing what we loved to do. Jim had actually been down once this year for a day trip, he had already experienced the empty spot on the chair beside him, still so hard to comprehend......The tears started when we left Calgary and hit the well travelled highway south, this did not bode well for the weekend, but the happy memories and the joy we shared together had us laughing and cherishing as well. We had our friends Dale, Colleen, Scott and Graeme Russell come with us. Scott and Grant were good friends and we had shared time at Fernie a few years back, it was wonderful to share this first with them. We were fortunate to stay in our fiends the Ball's condo on the hill, many memories there as well. All in all, it was wonderful. We still comment on how unreal it is that Grant is not with us, I really do not expect that feeling to ever go away, we miss him all the time, in everything we do. We missed seeing him climb the hardest path to get to our locker, sliding down the snowbank, seeing him take off down the "bumps" while some of us (me) took the easier, much more travelled path, to see him waiting patiently at the bottom of the run with his beautiful smile. We missed his laughter joined with Ali's as they watched a movie during the car ride, the glow from his iPad as he played games, as well as his quiet singing while listening to his iPod...... they are all in my mind but I want them to be real so badly. I can still hear his voice and his laughter but I am worried I will lose that as well.....

This week comes with a new set of challenges. I start my new job working as Assistant to my sister Gaye and nephew Geoff, who are both Royal Bank Mortgage Specialists and Jim finishes his last few days at Shaw. He will be starting work at J&L Supply on February 1st!!! So happy for him but the stress level in our house is on the rise- just what we need. It is all so good but scary at the same time, I am too old for this much change......

We have gotten back in the swing of Basketball with Ali- she is an amazing player and it is so much fun to watch her play and have the camaraderie with the parents. Tears fall at games as well- thinking of Grants love for the game- but we know he is with Ali as she plays and with us as we cheer her on, he loved being there to watch her, her biggest fan.

Day by Day.....

The New Year

Well it is here- whether we wanted it to come or not- it's here, 2012. I have really struggled these past few weeks, I thought I was going to be so happy to put 2011 behind us, but when push came to shove, the thought of a new year without Grant was deeply saddening. I hated New Years, I don't think it helped that we were sick (especially me) but I truly despised it. A new year that did not have my son partaking in it..... I still cannot believe he is no longer with us, it is still surreal and yes, I still think he is away at camp and will be returning. Maybe that is the reality, I will see him again, I know that, it just won't be here in the home and on earth where we shared so many things, good and bad.

This year has already presented so many changes, I will no longer be working at Benchmark, on to new and exciting things as Assistant to my beautiful sister and wonderful nephew, Gaye and Geoff Kiefer- Mortgage Specialists with the Royal Bank! Yes my nephew will be my boss....(thank goodness for Nepotism) With the change of course comes my apprehension, being so comfortable with what I had been doing and now I am outside of that zone- I need to take a page from Grants book and soldier on, taking on whatever challenges may come my way, I wish I was more like him- strong and sure of himself, and I wish he was here to give me that pep talk that he was so good at. Jim and Ali have been fantastic as my cheering section, don't get me wrong, I think it is just the fact that Grant and I were together 24 hours a day for 7 months- he and I talked alot, and I miss that.

Ali is back into the swing of school, basketball and volleyball, and I couldn't be happier for her. She is busy almost every day and after the Christmas break she needs to be busy, spare time is tough for all of us- memories and thoughts of happier times lead to sadness, something that we have every day, but it is magnified when we are not busy. I made Jim take the tour to Nanton and Cochrane last weekend just to keep the sadness from setting in. Tears fell anyways as we travelled the highway to Nanton and I thought of all our trips to Sparwood, it is so not fair.... I miss him so much.

In reality I have been getting better at the tear control, although reading this you may not believe it. It has been almost 4 months since we lost Grant, everyday he is on our minds, and in our hearts, and I guess that time moving forward forces us to keep up, even when we don't want to, and that is a good thing- I think....

We were out with friends last weekend and sang along with so many of Grants favourite songs- yes loud and off key- and it was wonderful. He will live on as long as we remember and we do remember Every Day! The beautiful sunrise/ sunsets, the Beatles, Ali wearing his number 8, and yes, even a tinfoil Swan- he is always with us and on our minds

Day by Day.....