Surviving D-Day

Well another horrible week has passed. The reminders of a year ago this last week came crashing back to all of us. It was last year- this week when Grant played his last basketball game, he had a double header at Mountain Park and in between games he decided he needed to take a bath and then just go back for the second game and not play- the start of our nightmare. Ali had the double header last week at the school and after the first game, was hit hard by the memory of Grant being with us and struggling through what we thought was a cold. She could not play the second game, the emotions were too strong and we spent the next couple of days supporting each other and remembering our wonderful, strong and amazing Grant.

So many thoughts raced through my head last week, could things have been different if we had gone to the clinic earlier? I know that nothing can be changed but I want it to be different so badly. The loss of Grant is still so raw and there are so many firsts we are still experiencing. The memory of that horrible phone call on the evening of Friday Feb 11, 2011 will be forever etched in my brain- the Doctor on the other end of the line telling me the abnormalities in his blood work indicating the possibility of Leukemia- I still shudder. I can remember the struggle to remain calm as we packed the small bag for Grant and I in case we had to stay, his voice, so strong and stable as he heard the news from the Fellow, his desire to start with treatment as soon as possible to get on the road to curing his cancer- I miss him, his smile through everything he was handed, his laugh as the nurses joked with him, his footsteps coming down the stairs to hang out on the couch. I find myself struggling to remember his voice and it scares me.

A few opportunities arose last week for Grant to continue giving- as he loved to do.
First there was a collection of used jeans for teenagers in programs throughout the city. As hard as it was, I washed his jeans in preparation for donation. I had a moment when I opened the door to the washer and saw the shredded Kleenex- that was my boy, always giving me a challenge- I would give anything for that weekly challenge now- anything.

The second one came at Alis Basketball tournament, they were collecting gently used basketball shoes for the Right to Play program- such a fitting donation for my boys Basketball shoes, the one pair only worn for his last season, he was so proud of them. I had to give them to Shelagh McCracken as Ali was struggling with playing, her emotions still getting to her. Shelagh had lace tags made for them- she is still his champion. The Tournament was held at Midsun School and after hearing Grants story from Shelagh, all donations made are being done so in Grant's name- the village continues to amaze.... and my tears continue to flow..... Ali ended up playing the last two games with her team, she played incredibly and got "Most Sportsmanlike Player" in the last game- so proud of her.

Volleyball, family and remembering  was the rest of our weekend as February 12 came and went. In the grand scheme of things Diagnosis Anniversary was minor, so many dates and numbers are in our lives. I met with a support group as well last week and that was one of the things that we all spoke of- Numbers and Dates- I wonder if those things will ever fade into the background, I doubt it. It was nice to be with people who have, and are going through what I am- I cried as did many others- maybe I am normal (I can hear all the jokes going through your minds.......) This group is informal and exactly what I wanted, we will meet monthly perhaps- depending on turnout- it could be every 2 months, I know I will look forward to the meeting times however often they occur.

So with Valentines Day being yesterday, I remembered last year, Grant and I in the hospital and his craft he made for me, he was so thrilled, crafting is not his Forte- but it is a gift we will all cherish with all out hearts- as Ali said last night, she really likes this picture of him- he looks healthy. Amazing, considering he was 2 days post diagnosis. I will leave you with his beautiful smiling face and the tears running down mine- We love you Grant, and miss you every single day....

Day by Day.....