Tough times......

This week finds me overwhelmed with what is coming, 3 months on Friday, 3 months ago we lost our son and brother. Such a tough thing to think about, so many re-runs going through my mind. I am not sure that I will ever come to terms with our loss, still so unreal, so painful and still so fresh. The blood drive will be such a tribute to Grant- a young man who would do anything for anyone- bittersweet however because he should be there, showing people what their donations can achieve. Instead we are honoring his life, with tears and memories and in my case- sadness. Don't get me wrong, I am so proud of what Grant achieved in his short life, but I want him here with us. Not fair.

1 week today will be his 16th birthday- yet another milestone taken away. We will be celebrating how we always did, roast beef and Yorkshire pudding but with an empty place at the family table and only our memories and tears at what we have lost. Who knows, the actual day may be different, the lead up may be worse than the day, but for now this is how I feel, so sad and full of dread.

Ali and I had a good talk tonight- she has be overwhelmed with homework this year so far- she has had little time to be a 14 year old who has lost her best friend- consistently in her room trying o focus on her schoolwork. She is sad, worried about the upcoming holidays without her brother, the break will be hard but perhaps she will get a chance to relax and "be" and maybe grieve. Ali made the Okotoks Volleyball Club team and is looking forward to that. It will give her another outlet- one she loves- and give her, and us as her parents, another distraction from our reality. We are full of immense pride for her and what she can, and has achieved- she is an amazing, wonderful girl and we are blessed.

So we continue on, counting the days to our next "first" so many so close together..... Not easy by any stretch. I have cried more tears than I ever thought possible, have had so many ups and downs and yet am still lost, looking for answers that I know I will never find, and trying to be strong for my family- it is no wonder I have headaches daily, lose track of what I am doing, and feel like I am taking those same steps forward and then more back.

Day by Day......