Numbers

Since Feb 11, 2011 our lives have been controlled by numbers- days since diagnosis, day of treatment, counts, days until next phase of treatment, hours until discharge, temperatures. Now our numbers game is about days, months since Grant passed. It has been 3 months since we lost him, 3 months since I have hugged and kissed him, since I heard his voice- so hard.

Last night we had the Blood Drive in Grant's honour, it was amazing, just like my boy. The drive was fully booked and they had to turn away people at the door- what an amazing community and village we have. Jim, Ali and I arrived at the beginning and a few tears were shed, but the amazing support from the Blood Services Group, and of course, Shelagh McCracken, helped us. I was the only one that could donate, Ali of course is too young, and Jim is unable since his Heart Attack, but we were all there to witness the beautiful gift that so many people gave. I was so proud of Grant, for inspiring so many people to give a gift that is truly, the gift of life. Grant was never turned away from clinic due to a blood shortage fortunately, but it is a reality, and one that can be avoided, so hopefully this will carry on and Grant has brought some awareness. I know he was watching over us and full of pride at what was occurring, and i know he was smiling his signature smirk at the friendly competition on who could donate fastest (his cousin Geoff had second place honours- 3.5 minutes- its on for the Feb 10th clinic)

My emotions have been somewhat (?) more in check- believe me I have still have my moments- usually in public, but I do believe that the one thing that I took away from the coping seminar is helping me- the lead up is usually worse than the event- at least that was the case last night, it felt like I was actually taking a step forward (stay tuned- I am sure more back are yet to come) I still worry that Grant is looking down and wondering "How can she move on?" The mother in me, I am sure that will never go away. The true tests are yet to come- his birthday and Christmas, family time, not complete with Grant missing. With family and friends we will get through these next "firsts" and share memories of our amazing boy and the numbers may fade..

Day by Day.....